There’s a fine line between house sitting and breaking into someone’s home while they’re on vacation and eating all their food.
Mechanic: Otto
Gardener: Rose
Car Dealer: Mercedes
Drug Dealer: Crystal
Burglar: Rob
Congressman: Bill
Plumber: John
Athlete: Jacque
Cartoonist: Drew
Tech Writer: Manuel
Geneticist: Gene
Computer Engineer: Chip
Hip Computer Engineer: Mack
Hippie: Van
As a waiter I do not grow food, I do not cook food, I only suggest food and then bring whatever a customer picks. I am, essentially, a food consultant.
“First things first,” I always say. I say it all the time and no one ever disagrees. This is because I’m the boss around here and if people disagree with me I fire their asses. Onetime I had a sandwich that didn’t agree with me and I fired that too. Some people beg me not [...]
My integrity is not for sale and won’t be until it can fetch a better price.
Making a Resume
1. Impress them from the first glance: print it on human skin.
2. Use action language instead of saying, “I carried water” say “I expedited vital resource acquisition” or instead of saying, “smuggled ammo” say “re-purposed rectal cavity”.
3. Don’t use complete sentences. It will set you apart and you will be burned as a [...]
The main thing hard work has given me is a desire to criticize and punish the lazy.
Working in an office is such an act of misery it becomes tempting to hang oneself with one’s own mouse cord. Unfortunately, progress has given us the cordless mouse.
I was fired from a job for leaving a sign on my office door that said, “gone fishing.” It seems they’re just really strict down at the aquarium.
There is no known way to turn back time but graduate school is a means to stop it.