Clever Things to Say » thursday special

Cartoon Time!

Miles K — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 20:58:23 +0000

Friends

Miles K — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 19:00:10 +0000

Friendship is a strange thing. As I see it, life’s a competition to obtain the most prizes which means that anyone else should be thwarted at every available opportunity. But apparently friends are a necessity, since otherwise we would never be invited to dinner parties, or cocktail parties or have anyone to testify on our behalf as a character witness. So the other day I was standing in the middle of Macy’s department store with my very best friend Matthew when he said, “Boy all these shirts and I can’t find a single one I’d want to buy.” I turned to him quite in disgust and said, “It’s not about wanting to buy them for yourself but making sure that nobody else has them!” (I myself wear four shirts at a time, just to let everyone know that I’d rather die of heat stroke rather then let someone else get their grimy claws on my clothing) so after berating Matthew I threw up my arms and sighed in annoyance for roughly a minute and a half.

The thing you really have to keep in mind is that when you’re friends with someone you’re not allowed to actively sabotage them. The irony though is that friends make the most tempting targets since they’re constantly exposed, letting you into their houses where you can just start putting stuff in your pockets until all three of your jackets are bursting with nick-nacks and expensive items from the pantry. And then they say, “hey I thought you were only wearing three ties when you came in here? Isn’t that one mine?” at which point you should ask for their car keys. Wait, that was the old me. The me that lost all of my friends and is no longer invited to social functions with free shrimp and alcohol, the new me would have given back the tie and sent a card somewhat like the following

I have been told that you cannot exploit your friends because that would jeopardize the friendship but if your friend has something which makes you jealous, it is not acceptable to destroy the object even if it would save the friendship to do so. So how is that consistent? What I now know is that there are many rules when it comes to friendship and someone should really publish a book detailing them. I’m probably not qualified to write that book as long as I still have everyone’s social security cards in my junk drawer but maybe this is a start

Everything I have learned about friendship:
1) Just because your friend is an organ donor does not make you “first in line”
2) Friends don’t let friends drive drunk, which means you are allowed to call your friend anytime of night and ask for a car ride, however this does not apply to rides from your house to a separate location
3) Publicly ranking your birthday presents is considered to be in poor taste
4) Never title a facebook photo album, “fat people I’m friends with”
5) Friends do not like it when you try to get them to fight each other to the death and become even more resentful if you tell them about an analogous event between your pet scorpion and a spider and how entertaining that was at the time
6) It is surprisingly difficult to throw a bird into a pool
7) Never let a friend into your junk drawer

Creepy Facebook Status Updates

Miles K — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 17:10:52 +0000

Does it break the restraining order if you’re looking at them through a telescope?
I am going to make the coolest doll from this hair I pulled out of the drain.
Finally found out where that cute barista lives.
Going out for a jog
if posted at 2am
A boy just sat next to me on the bus, do I hear wedding bells?

My Contributions to the Wikipedia page on Water Which are Continously Deleted

Miles K — Fri, 21 May 2010 05:57:08 +0000

Water is clear up close but looks blue from far away. Scientists are still puzzled by why we cannot see the entire contents of the ocean just by standing on the beach.
Oil and chemical companies also use the ocean to store toxic waste. No one cares because fish do not vote.
Water can destroy books and computers thereby proving that information is dirty.
Many people in africa and the middle east have never seen water but are instead forced to drink mud out of necessity.
The human body is 2/3 water which means that, in a pinch, you could drink a person.
Water is a great to have around at a birthday party, either in many small cups or a single large pool.
It is also a crucial component in wet t-shirts contest where judges select the wettest t-shirt and then squeeze the winner into a bowl.
The Atlantic ocean is home to the Titanic, a ship which was practically hacked in half by a glacier and then eaten by the ocean. Water is a dangerous enemy.
Because water is itself a liquid you cannot dry it off.
Many creatures live exclusively in water because they are afraid to come out and fight us on land. If they did we would kick their asses and don’t you forget it you flopping around fish.

Vice

Miles K — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 17:16:17 +0000

I’ve got a few bad habits but who doesn’t? Sometimes I bite my nails, big deal right? Sometimes I bite other people’s nails, why should they care? They weren’t using them. So like I said, maybe I have a bad habit of cutting people off in traffic, it’s just that every time I see someone’s about to take a spot I start to panic. “What if that’s the last one!?” I think. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense but it’s real compelling in the moment. So I cut them off real fast, then I fling my coffee out the side and land it on their window. I just figure hey, fuck ‘em.

Also I read a pamphlet once that said I’m an alcoholic and even after I beat the shit out of the pamphlet and tore it into little pieces it still haunted me. I tend to be a real angry drunk, but the other thing is that I always drink alone. So then I just end up screaming, “what the fuck you looking at?” into a mirror. Then I say, “I know what you’re looking at! A fat fucking loser.” Then I cry and hug the mirror and put lipstick on my reflection so that I can feel pretty.

And maybe I don’t always use a clean needle when I’m shooting up. You know how much work it is to get a fresh needle out the box? Plus when you’re all strung out you don’t even want to move, let alone find a fresh syringe. Though one good thing is whenever I get high enough on heroin I stop biting my nails.