Clever Things to Say » sketch

The Trip

Miles K — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:11:53 +0000

This is a short sketch that I wrote to illustrate the absurdity of the near-death mindset, and the often dark comedy that has taken hold in recent decades. If you like, print it out, get some special effects and iMovie and go shoot the thing – I’d love to see how it plays out in an on-screen format, though I’d imagine the film would be pretty short. It calls to mind the attitude of people who play around on www.casino.com, or who enjoy taking risks in life – whatever happens, it’s important to look at life with a sense of humour.

a micro sketch

Dave is taking a stroll when he trips and falls down a lightless hole. He plummets and screams. Eventually he stops screaming because the whole thing is taking a really long time and he just sort of looks around. Then out of boredom he starts screaming again. Eventually he catches up with another falling guy, Tom.

Tom: Falling, huh?

Dave: I guess so.

Tom: Well good news.

Dave: What’s that?

Tom: There’s a bottom.

The Tent

Miles K — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 19:48:48 +0000

A younger man CAM, dressed in overalls, is talking with GUS who is old.

CAM
What a day huh Gus?

GUS
You’ve got to get one more tent up before nightfall but I can’t help you with it.

CAM
Why? You tired or something?

GUS
No I can’t help you with that tent, because it’s evil.

CAM
Evil huh?

GUS
That tent is haunted Cam.

CAM
I thought the haunted tent was over by the cotton candy machine.

GUS
No this one is really haunted. Terribly haunted.

CAM
What’s so haunted about it?

GUS
Well for one thing it looks small on the outside but when you walk in it’s really big.

CAM
Well that doesn’t sound so bad.

GUS
It’s good for storage.

CAM
But it’s evil?

GUS
You bet it is. That tent has taken the souls of many a circus worker. They say it strips off your skin and uses the leather to enlarge its interior.

CAM
Well then why even put it up? Why not just leave it in the bag?

GUS
What? No we can’t do that, we need it.

CAM
For what?

GUS
That’s where we store all the cracked fun house mirrors and broken animal cages and-

CAM
Well see that’s probably just making things worse.

GUS
Where else are we gonna put the elephant bones?

CAM
The tent’s already haunted and then you’re just encouraging things by putting all that creepy stuff inside.

GUS
Quit arguing and start nailing down the cursed stakes.

CAM
What’re you kidding? You put up the evil tent.

GUS
I can’t Cam. I escaped it once and now it wants me bad.

CAM
What happened?

GUS
I thought I saw my dead wife in a fun house mirror. It looked just like her except much thinner, I could see her mouthing “help me”, as I came closer her hand came out from the mirror but it became raw and bloody, like the skin had been stripped for leather. I turned and ran. I’d almost made it out before something grabbed me by the ankle. I tripped and clawed my way outside, but the tent still kept my shoe.

CAM
Was it a leather shoe?

GUS
My best pair. Now grab those poles and start putting ‘em in a circle.

CAM
Forget it, that story was really scary. Make someone else do it.

GUS
Look, them’s the rules. New guy puts up the haunted tent.

CAM
It’s already getting dark.

GUS
Here. Take this rickety lantern.

CAM
No way. I don’t want to get eaten alive and stretched into a door flap. Get the intern to do it.

GUS
Don’t be ridiculous, he’s hand feeding a sick tiger. Quit your belly aching, we need that tent up so we can get Coloso’s bed of nails out from the rain.

CAM
Alright but only if I get to punch a clown.

GUS
Fine. Oh and take that crucifix off your neck. You’ll just make it angry.

CAM
Why? What’s the haunted tent got against my cross?

GUS
Haunted tent is Jewish, now get to work.

Sketch in Progress

Miles K — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 16:22:57 +0000

This is a sketch I’m currently working on to be performed at a time and location as of yet undetermined.

So both of you are test subjects for our new truth serum?

A: Yes B: No

You’re not both here for the serum experiment?

A: No B: Yes

Are you here for the experiment?

A: Yes
B: No, he’s not

Are you calling him a liar?

A: He is
B: I am

So you both agree?

A: Yes
B: We do. He’s a liar
A: No

Let’s start with your names?

A: My names is James Andrews
B: That’s my name, not his

Well what’s his name then?

B: Bellfurter Poppycock

I’ll just put you both down as James Andrews? So James-

A: Yes? B: Yes?

What would you say if I asked what time is it?

A: Ten thirty.
B: Three.

Why would you say three Mr. Andrews?

A: I wouldn’t.
B: Shut up. Because that’s what my watch says.

But your watch is off by four and a half hours.

B: Is it?
A: Yes.

No. Who here wants a pistachio?

A: He does.
B: I do actually.
A: He’s lying.

Nevermind: a micro sketch

Miles K — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:02:50 +0000

A room with the living room furniture of the working class. Andy is thin and well dressed, his stocky father, Leo, sits, both hairy arms crossed over his chest, next to Andy’s worried looking mother, Helen.

Andy: Mom, Dad, there’s something I’ve needed to tell you for a long time- jeez this is hard- and you may not like it but it’s something you’ve got to know… I’m gay, I’ve always been gay and now I want to-

Leo: What!? You fuckin faggot-

Helen: Leo!

Leo: NO. How dare you shame this family you goddamn degenerate you’re a disgrace, in fact, you’re out of this family-

Andy: Alright, nevermind I take it back!

Leo: Good, glad that’s settled then.