Clever Things to Say

I finally met a woman who truly understands me. She has since left as a result.

A woman once accused me of “intimacy issues.”
I replied, “what’re you kidding? I’m being intimate with plenty of women.”

My girlfriend gave me ankle weights for my birthday which is a sinister gift because I don’t jog, I swim.

“Heaven must be missing an angel, let’s fix that right now.”
“Your skin looks gorgeous, it would look even better as a crumpled heap in the corner of my room.”
“It goes on a date with me or it gets the hose again.”

You never know how much someone cares until you see how badly you can hurt them.

There is a species of dysfunctional romantic for whom the concept of love is defined by its collapse.

Many couples remain silent during sex so as to spare each other the reminder that someone else is there.