Once I fired a guy while he was on vacation. When he came back I told him he could go back on vacation. Then I handed him a cardboard sign that said, “will work for füd”. Another time I interviewed a woman who claimed that she had never been fired. “We’ve all been fired at least a little, at some point” I said. But she insisted that she hadn’t. So I beat her with an umbrella and pushed her out the window.

After a good firing I’ve usually worked up quite an appetite. So I head down to the seafood shack and hire one of the lobsters out of the tank to be my dinner. I’ll name him Mr. Snaps and sometimes I’ll make the lobster fight a crab in the parking lot and then I’ll eat the winner. After that I  go home to my wife. I’ll pretend to fire her and then she asks what she can do to keep her job. So I make her suck me off. After that I leisurely fire the cleaning lady. Then I take a crack at firing the argumentative mailman who constantly insists that I don’t have the authority to fire him. One of these days I’m going to put a rat trap in the mailbox.