Clever Things to Say

Practice football and you’re sure to be better prepared when game night arrives. Practice abstinence and you will certainly fumble on the night in question.

They say humans evolved from apes but there are some people who make you reconsider.

It’s exciting to drive on the freeway for the first time. It’s even more exciting to drive across it.

I dropped out of high school after I was voted most likely to secede.

When you enter into long term commitment they call it, “getting serious” because that’s when it ceases to be any fun whatsoever.

The clown car trick is accomplished through brute force
Tight rope walkers make the best drunk drivers
Traitors are shot from a cannon into a gaping lion
You can only become the fattest man in the world by eating your predecessor
Every full moon the gypsies gather to steal hubcaps

There are worse things than canned food. Like canned laughter or fresh bodies.

If these walls could talk I’d have to kill them too.

Doctor: I’ll have to listen to your heart.
Patient: It’ll just say “quit the job and burn down the building.”

I went into see my life coach and he said I’m off the team.

LSD can profoundly affect the way that one looks at psychedelic posters.

I’m not a reckless driver, just an incompetent one.