Clever Things to Say

A failed marriage ends in a divorce. A successful marriage ends in the death of one or both parties.

If we were to encounter a culture free from racism we would use that as evidence of their inferiority.

If you want to kidnap an old man don’t bother to tie him up, just make him sit down in a beanbag chair. He’ll never escape.

Spiders have eight legs and insects have six, that’s the difference. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been turning a lot of spiders into insects lately.

I think the appeal of a blank slate is not the fresh possibilities but the fact that you’re no longer staring at your failures.

I’m not afraid of dying in the apocalypse I’m afraid of surviving it.

Whoshotwhatinthefacenow?
I asked for a Crush soda not a crushed leg!
Mommy I left my hand in the tiltawhirl.

I’m often tempted to bring a gun to work. I’m a comedian.

Going to work is like holding yourself for ransom.

Don’t let the fact that they’re people fool you into treating them as such.