Clever Things to Say

A guy walked up, looked at my espresso and asked, “is that Peet’s Coffee?”
“Not anymore” I told him, “Now it’s mine.”

Most people hope their dreams come true. I don’t know if I could live with that much blood on my hands.

Practice football and you’re sure to be better prepared when game night arrives. Practice abstinence and you will certainly fumble on the night in question.

HBO: Intelligent drama with tits and ass.

If we were to encounter a culture free from racism we would use that as evidence of their inferiority.

My attorney has a heart precondition. You have to satisfy the condition of being his client in order for him to have a heart.

If you want to kidnap an old man don’t bother to tie him up, just make him sit down in a beanbag chair. He’ll never escape.

It’s exciting to drive on the freeway for the first time. It’s even more exciting to drive across it.

It’s tough not to live in fear when there’s a massive conspiracy pumping it into the air around us.

Fashion is an arms race.

They say, “you’re only young once” but that’s not true. Some people are never young.

I finally met a woman who truly understands me. She has since left as a result.

When I’m on the way to my therapist I think, “I’ll bet she looks forward to this all day.”

I dropped out of high school after I was voted most likely to secede.