Sorry everyone my computer is broken and so updating has been difficult. New Clever Thing to Say tomorrow.
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Homeless people are like the raccoons of metropolitan areas. Always coming out at night to route through your garbage can with their furry little faces and opposable thumbs.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I saw myself represented as a dot on a graph and not unflatteringly.
Friday, February 19, 2010
If you were to thaw her heart there’d be nothing left.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The only thing worse than a man who spends all his time in front of a mirror is a man who spends his time behind one.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The two party system is a mobius strip.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Presidents’ day was inaugurated in 1880 as a whole extra day for, and experienced exclusively by, the President. During this day he could spend his time as he wished in leisure or just catching up on errands without having to worry about the forward arrow of time generating events that would effect the rest of [...]
Friday, February 12, 2010
I do the right thing out of a to hold it over other people’s heads. It’s like blackmail in reverse.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
By the time you can afford a high definition television you no longer have the high definition eyesight necessary to enjoy it.
The definition of brevity is concise.
Sometimes it feels like you’re on the outside looking in and then you realize it’s the reverse and you shut the blinds on whoever that is standing by your window.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Now that I’ve stopped drinking I don’t have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I want to start a dating site for stalkers where all the women on the site don’t realize it.
When God closes one door he opens another. I just hope it’s not a trap door.
Cowboys have big belt buckles so as to better beat their wives and children.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”
Now and Laters were a candy originally introduced in 1862 under the brand name “Henceforths”.
“Do you think my life would make a good movie?”
“Is your name Spiderman? No? Then probably not.”
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Serial killers don’t understand the difference between getting a life and taking one.
If I could go back in time and change one thing I’d stop Jesus from being nailed to the cross, because then they’d pretty much have to let me into heaven.
Evolution did not engineer us to be happy. Happy creatures die at the hands of fearful, plotting ones.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
“My boyfriend has a feminine side.”
“Is it the inside? Because that’s where my penis would go.”
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Clothes are half of what makes a man who he is. Take your favorite super hero, put him in drag, is he still your favorite?
Friday, December 11, 2009
Growing up my mother used to tell me “you’re one of a million.”
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Television should be asking itself, “what’s the best way to raise a child?”
So I took a week off without warning anyone. Honestly it started as “Oh my god I’m overworked and exhausted; how am I going to catch up on the site?” and then Tuesday evening I just gave up and decided it was a one week vacation (in addition to the two entries I missed the [...]
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Wednesday, September 2, 2009
From high school onwards my concept of fun has simply come to mean poor judgment and degeneracy.
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If you play a corporate comedy album backwards you can hear the comic’s dreams dying in reverse.
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Some people are not appreciated until they’re gone. Or perhaps because of it.
The trick to unprotected sex is to get out while the going’s good.
