a micro sketch
Dave is taking a stroll when he trips and falls down a lightless hole. He plummets and screams, for a really long time actually. Eventually he stops screaming because the whole thing is taking a really long time and he just sort of looks around. Then out of boredom he starts screaming again. [...]
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Ungrateful Little Bastards Report College is ‘Alright’
Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder Suicide Pact
Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner
Wrecking Ball Operator Wins Big in Slamming of Abandoned Pog Factory
Some were originally printed in the Heuristic Squelch
Thursday, February 11, 2010
First things first I always say. I say it all the time and no one ever disagrees. This is because I’m the boss around here and if people disagree with me I fire their asses. Onetime I had a sandwich that didn’t agree with me and I fired that too. Some people beg me not [...]
Thursday, January 28, 2010
In the Star Trek universe, when one space faring race encounters another they always have at least one thing in common. Both their ships are oriented the same way vis a vis up/down. But space has no objective up/down axis. Nonetheless, every time the Enterprise runs into some Romulans it always looks like this:
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Conan is scorching the earth as he leaves NBC. He just spent 1.5 million on a segment just to spite the network that has spurned him.
Conan blowing 1.5 mil
Here are some more ways Conan can waste NBC’s money:
Buy the audience tickets on the space jet
Have Andy Richter replaced with a shark
Destroy the Bugatti Veyron [...]
Thursday, January 14, 2010
A younger man CAM, dressed in overalls, is talking with GUS who is old.
CAM
What a day huh Gus?
GUS
You’ve got to get one more tent up before nightfall but I can’t help you with it.
CAM
Why? You tired or something?
GUS
No I can’t help you with that tent, because it’s evil.
CAM
Evil huh?
GUS
That tent is haunted Cam.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
(to be used in case I am ever elected to anything)
A lot of people have criticized my tactics and many of you have called me names. Well who’s calling names now you stinking animals? You are no more than yammering baboons, your grotesque jabbering is matched only by your swollen backsides, scraping the ground like [...]
Thursday, December 31, 2009
In the last few days I’ve been asking people about their plans for New Year’s Eve. So I wrote down some of the more popular and interesting responses.
Get drunk
Get wasted
Get drunk and wasted
Make up for entire year’s worth of disappointing parties
Rape
Anxiously host new Year’s party and pray friends come through with the drugs
Finish New Year’s [...]
Thursday, December 24, 2009
This is a sketch I’m currently working on to be performed at a time and location as of yet undetermined.
So both of you are test subjects for our new truth serum?
A: Yes B: No
You’re not both here for the serum experiment?
A: No B: Yes
Are you here for the experiment?
A: Yes
B: No, he’s not
Are you calling [...]
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Making a Resume
1. Impress them from the first glance: print it on human skin.
2. Use action language instead of saying, “I carried water” say “I expedited vital resource acquisition” or instead of saying, “smuggled ammo” say “re-purposed rectal cavity”.
3. Don’t use complete sentences. It will set you apart and you will be burned as a [...]
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Horton Hears a What? a Who!?
Green Eggs and Ham, that We Ate During the Depression
How the Liberal Media Stole Christmas
Horton Hatches the Egg That Never Calls Him Back
Oh the Places You Will Never See Again
The Cat in the Hat, that We Ate During the Depression
Fox in Argyle Socks
Hop on Pop: How Youngsters Do Not Respect [...]
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The Romans called the sun ’sol invictus’ or “the unconquered sun”. This was quite a compliment coming from the Romans who figured they could conquer just about anything. In fact, the Romans attempted several voyages to the sun, the first of which involved them setting out at daybreak in a boat and trying to get [...]
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Excerpt from a section on Mutants:
Mutants come in many shapes and sizes and therein lies the tragic crux of their condition. Although certain deformities appear more frequently there is no single trait common to all mutants. Instead it is their rejection from human society which gives them a shared identity.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A room with the living room furniture of the working class. Andy is thin and well dressed, his stocky father, Leo, sits, both hairy arms crossed over his chest, next to Andy’s worried looking mother, Helen.
Andy: Mom, Dad, there’s something I’ve needed to tell you for a long time- jeez this is hard- and you [...]
