Clever Things to Say

Being a pro football coach is like being a commander on a battlefield, except it pays better.

The main thing hard work has given me is a desire to criticize and punish the lazy.

When you study philosophy in college people always ask “what kind of a job will you get with that?” But in this economy I have a ready reply which is, “Same thing as you. Nothing.”

I think the appeal of a blank slate is not the fresh possibilities but the fact that you’re no longer staring at your failures.

Pleasure and pain seem not like distinct entities so much as a single system of Good Cop Bad Cop.

An ironic t-shirt typically has a double meaning. In addition to whatever the shirt says it usually means you’re an ass.

Doctor: I’ll have to listen to your heart.
Patient: It’ll just say “quit the job and burn down the building.”

If a man treats women like objects then the most generous assumption is that he’s too stupid to know the difference.