The definition of brevity is concise.
Sometimes it feels like you’re on the outside looking in and then you realize it’s the reverse and you shut the blinds on whoever that is standing by your window.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Now that I’ve stopped drinking I don’t have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I want to start a dating site for stalkers where all the women on the site don’t realize it.
When God closes one door he opens another. I just hope it’s not a trap door.
Cowboys have big belt buckles so as to better beat their wives and children.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
In the Star Trek universe, when one space faring race encounters another they always have at least one thing in common. Both their ships are oriented the same way vis a vis up/down. But space has no objective up/down axis. Nonetheless, every time the Enterprise runs into some Romulans it always looks like this:
(Continued)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”
Now and Laters were a candy originally introduced in 1862 under the brand name “Henceforths”.
“Do you think my life would make a good movie?”
“Is your name Spiderman? No? Then probably not.”
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Conan is scorching the earth as he leaves NBC. He just spent 1.5 million on a segment just to spite the network that has spurned him.
- Conan blowing 1.5 mil
Here are some more ways Conan can waste NBC’s money:
- Buy the audience tickets on the space jet
- Have Andy Richter replaced with a shark
- Destroy the Bugatti Veyron Mouse using a huge, solid gold mousetrap
- Give each audience member White Alba Truffle with creamy ranch dipping sauce
- Pay to have a man killed
- Bet 400k on a cockfight
- Bailout a poorly run financial giant
- Commission a study to determine once and for all which sinks to the bottom of the ocean faster: gold, diamonds or the Bugatti Veyron Mouse
- Challenge champion gergitator Takeru Kobyashi to beluga caviar eating contest.
- Donate 1 million in disaster relief to Haiti on behalf of CBS
Written by Miles K and Colin Elzie
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Serial killers don’t understand the difference between getting a life and taking one.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
A younger man CAM, dressed in overalls, is talking with GUS who is old.
CAM
What a day huh Gus?
GUS
You’ve got to get one more tent up before nightfall but I can’t help you with it.
CAM
Why? You tired or something?
GUS
No I can’t help you with that tent, because it’s evil.
CAM
Evil huh?
GUS
That tent is haunted Cam.
(Continued)
If I could go back in time and change one thing I’d stop Jesus from being nailed to the cross, because then they’d pretty much have to let me into heaven.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
(to be used in case I am ever elected to anything)
A lot of people have criticized my tactics and many of you have called me names. Well who’s calling names now you stinking animals? You are no more than yammering baboons, your grotesque jabbering is matched only by your swollen backsides, scraping the ground like so much rotten fruit excreting sour liquid. Shut up! Your booing and hisses only confirm it.
(Continued)
Evolution did not engineer us to be happy. Happy creatures die at the hands of fearful, plotting ones.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
In the last few days I’ve been asking people about their plans for New Year’s Eve. So I wrote down some of the more popular and interesting responses.
- Get drunk
- Get wasted
- Get drunk and wasted
- Make up for entire year’s worth of disappointing parties
- Rape
- Anxiously host new Year’s party and pray friends come through with the drugs
- Finish New Year’s resolutions list
- Snort as much cocaine as possible before New Year’s resolutions list kicks in
- Surf the internet through tears
- Avoid ex-boyfriend
- Hook up with ex-girlfriend
- Count backwards and scream in unison
- Vomit in acceptable location
- Urinate in hilarious location
- Drive safely while drunk, which means wearing an eye patch to compensate for double vision
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
“My boyfriend has a feminine side.”
“Is it the inside? Because that’s where my penis would go.”
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Clothes are half of what makes a man who he is. Take your favorite super hero, put him in drag, is he still your favorite?
